the most obvious place you’d never look for depression and anxiety
Identity
The amount we suffer in this life is directly correlated with where and how we source our identity and sense of self.
Here are some questions I bet no one has asked you.
Where do you derive your sense of self and sense of worth?
Where do you get your identity from? What is your identity?
Identity
It’s the ever present hand-in-our-face, so obviously there that we can’t even see it.
It can also be the biggest source of suffering in our lives.
We are just babies being babies, no pressure, no worries, no social or mental constructs to live up to like this is where I’m from, this is my culture, these are the things I value.
Then as we grow up, our family, society, and our external environments begin to condition us with identity.
We begin to place importance on various identities and derive a sense of self, which is a necessary part of being human.
Things like, being a brother, a sister, belonging to a certain social class, wealth, possessions, fame, success, all are examples of places we can source identity and self from.
It’s not a bad thing to source identity from these things.
But when we start to over-identify, put pressure on and defend these identities, place our entire self worth in these things is when we can suffer. Simply put, we hold onto too tightly to these values and suffer over them.
Here’s an example.
Up until I was twenty-eight, I derived my entire identity and sense of self-worth from being “the lead singer of a rock band.” I only identified with all things worldly. I fell face-first into the trap of placing my entire sense of self and worth in external things: achievements, praise, and circumstances. This was painful as hell.
Life in a touring rock band was especially painful for my ego because of these frequent, juxtaposing
messages of “I’m a big deal” and “I’m a small deal.”
If we got a tour, I felt worthy of life. If we played one of these festivals, I felt invincible, godlike, and immortal. If
I wrote a good song, I was a good person. If we got radio play, I mattered.
On the other hand, if we didn’t get a tour, I was worthless. If we played a bar for three people, I felt like a failure
and thought it meant that me and my art were worthless. If I wrote a bad song, I was talentless. If I played a
bad show, I drowned in shame, guilt, and self-hatred and wanted to kill myself. If we didn’t get the blog write-up, or not enough people liked the post about our song release, my life didn’t matter, and my entire existence felt threatened and meaningless.
Living like this was hell because nothing was ever enough. There was no end. No amount of external praise
was enough to fill the hole I was trying to fill.
There were no amount of songs I could write or money I could make to feel, you know what, now that I made X
amount of dollars or hit X amount of followers, I finally mean something. It was chasing highs and dopamine hits
in everything external. Looking back, I see it was a losing
game. All I did was suffer.
Identity was one of the ways I hid from my depression.
I put all my identity into my rock band so I didn’t have to be present with the pain I was in. When it was good, it was great, but when it was bad, it was suffocating. My band and music were a vehicle for my identity and a Band-Aid for all my pain.
When my band broke up, I had to face the fact that I had absolutely no idea who I was without it. My entire
identity was wrapped up in this project, and when it fell apart, depression bottomed out. I had to go on a journey to rediscover my true identity and figure out who the hell I was without music, without my band.
Another example. Say I place all my sense of self on being wealthy. I have to be rich money is the most important thing because this is the most important thing to me.
If I say money is power, fame, prestige, it implies if I don’t have money I don’t have any of those things.
What happens if you never get money? What happens if you get money and then lose it?
Now I’m asking you - Where do you derive your identify?
Is it sustainable? Do you get it from external things such as money, wealth, jobs, follower count, family, or heritage? Is it contributed to your own suffering or happiness?
Or is it from an internal place such as knowing you are spirit incarnate having a human experience, or identifying with values or character?
The amount we suffer in this life is directly correlated with where and how we source our identity and sense of self.
Identity, mental health, and suffering are all interrelated.
Where and how you source your identity from is one of the most obvious yet hidden places that depression lives.
Whatever we place importance on, consciously or unconsciously, becomes a part of who we are and how we
see ourselves in this world. This either sets us free or terrorizes us. We live and die by the sword of wherever we source our identity.
When we look for worth and identity in external things, the chase never ends. There is never enough.
If you get your identity from your follower count and likes, there is always someone who has more. If you get your identity from productivity, when have you done enough to be worthy or rest? If you get your identity from fame, you are beholden to a vicious cycle of ups and downs. If you get your identity from having money, when you don’t have it, you might feel unworthy.
Sourcing externally can be a bummer, so what’s the other option?
Sourcing your identity internally.
What are the parts of myself, the traits, characteristics that no one can take away?
What are the parts of myself that are eternal?
How do I know, touch, and experience the divinity that lives within me?
How can I touch the undying endless love that is at the depth of my being?
This is where the real adventure starts.
If you like what you read, I dedicated a whole chapter in Thank God For Depression on Identity.
